Grief and Gratitude? You Have Got To Be Kidding! A Suicide Loss Survivor’s Story
When my step-son completed suicide at the age of 17 I went into a shame hole that I didn’t know how to climb out of. I remember losing my laugh, my smile,… myself, to be honest.
And as I write this blog on the next part of the journey of my grief I find I must start with a disclaimer. I am going to talk about gratitude (you know, turning not enough into enough) being thankful for what you have. Let me tell you this if you are reading this because you know someone who has lost someone, hear me- this practice was a long time coming. If someone would have told me in the first weeks, months, or even that first year I would have straight up punched them. In fact, I can see myself flipping off the words gratitude— screw you gratitude you have no idea the pain I am in. So please don’t tell someone they should be grateful for what they have -just hear them -listen to their pain. They will find it when they are ready.
You know in the beginning, I was drowning in anger. I can see myself pulling away from others. I had such a beautiful work family and everyday we would gather at the front of the office and eat lunch. But during the first few months I just couldn’t bare to go to the table. I sat quietly at my desk, keeping my head down and focusing on things I could control—my work. I couldn’t bear to go to the table and hear their joys, hear their laughter, and I was afraid I would stop their joy for fear they would offend me by living when I felt like I was dying. They were so respectful and just let me grieve in my way. When I did return to the table they smiled and moved forward with me. They didn’t try to fix me. Gratitude was mine to find…
I really don’t quite remember how the quote came into my life but what I can tell you is it is now a touchstone in my journey of rising. The quote “Everyday May Not Be Good, But There Is Something Good In Everyday” must have, just like many things in my life, come exactly when I needed it. I know I was like “yeah right, have you seen my life?” But then slowly, as if I was peeking my head out from under the covers, I started to see just a bit of hope. Hope of rising, hoping of moving forward, hoping of living. You see when you are grieving it as if you are just sitting their stuck in the what ifs and the what was.
I began slowly. “Okay, let me find one damn good thing about this day.” Trust me it wasn’t big items. It was like my brain just couldn’t go there. I would say things like “I had ice with my Diet Pepsi today and it was tasty” or “the smell of fresh cut grass it good” or “I got out of bed on time.” Eventually it became a practice and the items became more meaningful and more often.
I am not going to wrap this blog up with a nice little pretty ribbon. The journey of grief and the path of gratitude was a slow and painful walk. I was climbing up a hill carrying a ton of shame. I was crushed and battered and bloody. And yet I walked it. There is tons of research on gratitude and the brain and all the benefits associated with it. Go ahead and google it if you want to, but I know with every beat of my heart that it is a powerful tool on the road to healing. When you’re ready remember “Everyday May Not Be Good, But There Is Something Good In Everyday.”
Resources:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/
Support group in your area: https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/find-a-support-group/
Note: If you are in a life threatening situation, do NOT use this site.
Call the 24-hr National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255.